Clean underwear

The problem with wearing dark glasses all the time is that I keep bumping into things, tripping over and exposing my underwear. This must be a problem that all celebrities face and I am now much more sympathetic to my fellow celebrities like Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears.

Despite the dangers and underwear-exposure risks of dark glasses, I must say they certainly do the job. Nobody has recognized me as a famous author since I started wearing them. I visited the local supermarket today to stock-up with more cases of cooking sherry and despite my worst fears and apprehensions not one person accosted me and said

“Oi. Weren’t you on the Maurice Boland show last night? Aren’t you the bloke that catapults buckets of horse-shit into his neighbor’s yard?”

Obviously I would have responded: “No. I am a famous writer – the author of ‘Recollections of a Racketeer’ and on excellent terms with all my neighbors – except for Bill over the road, but he's a Canadian anyway.” However, thanks to the dark glasses, nobody recognized me and the question never arose.

Had I known more about the pressures of fame, I might have thought twice before starting to write my book. I now certainly better understand my mother’s repeated admonitions to make sure that my underwear was always clean.