People Magazine

I woke-up early this morning; it’s Saturday which means there should be a new issue of People Magazine. I called my agent, Andrew Lownie, to see if he could get me a copy but his assistant told me he was “busy blogging.” It was Andrew who had first told me that I needed to blog if I hoped to sell any copies of my book, ‘Recollections of a Racketeer’ so I was pleased to see him practicing what he preached. Sharon, my normally helpful publicist at Mainstream Publishing, was equally elusive; her assistant told me that Sharon was busy ‘twittering’. Unsure weather this was a new form of Eastern mysticism or a solitary form of sexual pleasuring, I told her I would call back later.

That meant that I would have to get my own copy of People Magazine and once again venture out in public. Thank goodness for dark glasses! As an added precaution I dressed in saggy sweat-pants and crocs so that nobody would ever guess that I was a famous author. The expedition was a success and I returned safely to the house without being recognized. I was even able to pick-up a couple more bottles of cooking sherry along with my magazine.

I don’t usually drink alcohol before noon - well, seldom before 10:00AM anyway, but I think today is rather a special occasion. It’s not every day I am featured in People Magazine. I’ve just poured myself a glass of sherry and I shall take my magazine into the garden to savor the full and detailed report of “Radio Europe's Maurice Boland interviews famous author Patrick Lane.” (I do hope there are no photographs of my underwear.)