Bugger!

Bugger! I don’t understand. I’ve carefully read the whole of People magazine from cover to cover and there was not a single mention of last Thursday’s Maurice Boland show on Radio Europe. More specifically there was no mention of Maurice’s interview with me on the subject of my latest book Recollections of a Racketeer.

There was not even a mention of my fellow guests on the show: the man who shot his wife across the river Avon from a cannon, nor of the man who is combating crime with trebuchets of horse manure.

I don’t know what People magazine is coming to; they really need to improve their standards if they wish to regain their position as the nation’s number-one news source. Personally I blame that frumpy Englishwoman Susan Boyle, I think she’s got everyone distracted. I can only apologize to those people who spent their hard-earned money on People magazine anticipating an in-depth report on my interview with Maurice Boland. Trust me - I feel your pain.

Good Lord! Look at the time; almost 4:00PM. Time for some cooking sherry. Tomorrow’s another day. To be more precise, tomorrow is Sunday – the day that News of the World hits the newsstands. Maybe they will have a review of my book in their literary section.

People Magazine

I woke-up early this morning; it’s Saturday which means there should be a new issue of People Magazine. I called my agent, Andrew Lownie, to see if he could get me a copy but his assistant told me he was “busy blogging.” It was Andrew who had first told me that I needed to blog if I hoped to sell any copies of my book, ‘Recollections of a Racketeer’ so I was pleased to see him practicing what he preached. Sharon, my normally helpful publicist at Mainstream Publishing, was equally elusive; her assistant told me that Sharon was busy ‘twittering’. Unsure weather this was a new form of Eastern mysticism or a solitary form of sexual pleasuring, I told her I would call back later.

That meant that I would have to get my own copy of People Magazine and once again venture out in public. Thank goodness for dark glasses! As an added precaution I dressed in saggy sweat-pants and crocs so that nobody would ever guess that I was a famous author. The expedition was a success and I returned safely to the house without being recognized. I was even able to pick-up a couple more bottles of cooking sherry along with my magazine.

I don’t usually drink alcohol before noon - well, seldom before 10:00AM anyway, but I think today is rather a special occasion. It’s not every day I am featured in People Magazine. I’ve just poured myself a glass of sherry and I shall take my magazine into the garden to savor the full and detailed report of “Radio Europe's Maurice Boland interviews famous author Patrick Lane.” (I do hope there are no photographs of my underwear.)

Bloody daft!

That's how I feel. Bloody daft!

I've just written a book of my memoirs, Recollections of a Racketeer (published by Mainstream Publishing) and now I'm supposed to write a blog in order to promote it.

"That's the modern way" my agent keeps telling me. "That's how it's done. You've got to get with it or you'll show your age.

Well I'm not buying it. For a start - most of the blogs that I read seem to be written by grumpy old men - not young marketing hipsters. Anyway, the whole concept is wrong: I mean, if you write your memoirs - that's where you say everything. That's where you lay it out and tell it all.

In the bloody book. Not in a bloody blog.